“Christmas is usually one of my favorite holidays. I am one of ‘those’ parents who would ask if it’s too soon to put up the Christmas tree the day after Halloween. I typically have Christmas music blaring all through the months of November and December and my daughter and I can basically recite every line from Home Alone.
This year is different though. It’s two weeks until Christmas and my grandma came over and said she was shocked to see my Christmas tree not up. I finally forced myself to get the tree out but have yet to even begin Christmas shopping. Everything seems unbearably hard and I just can’t force myself to get into the holiday spirit.
This will be the first Christmas without my son. He passed away two and a half months ago and I am still finding it hard to breathe.
Getting up and getting my daughter to school on time is sometimes the most challenging part of my day and even that overwhelms me. Making myself shower and look less like a ragamuffin is daunting to say the least. So the thought of holiday parties, family gatherings, and trying to act happy and brave is almost too much to bear because I’m not that at all. I’m sad and I miss Leo.
To be honest I wish I could skip the holidays all together this year but I have my daughter to think about so I try to act excited and happy for her. I mean just because her brother died doesn’t mean she has to suffer anymore right?
So, I put on my bravest face for her. But on the inside, I’m shattered and broken. Grief is hard. I don’t think there are any right answers to this. People tell me to go easy on myself and take the time I need. So that’s what I’m trying to do. People tell me to talk about my grief so here I am. If you find yourself in similar shoes, do whatever makes you feel ok and don’t feel bad about it. The stress of the holidays can be hard for anyone so I’m deciding to give myself a break this Christmas.”
Yours Truly,
A Bereaved Mother